Hi Mara, Are you there?

It's been a really long time.

A lot has changed over the past two years. One thing remains the same, my purpose in life is still to spend more time doing the things that make my soul sing -- both in my personal life and my professional life.

However, as a work-from-home mom of 25 month old triplets, the definition of self-care has drastically changed. Now, I first want to acknowledge the instrumental role my parents have played in the first two years of our boys' lives. We are blessed to have the constant help of family -- without it, I'm not sure where I'd be.  I am so deeply grateful for my husband and all family and friends who have made this journey easier in some way.

A few months ago I told myself I was going to get back to regular meditation. Why is it so difficult to just lay there with your thoughts after a busy day? I so often feel like, "I don't have time", but it's an excuse. After a busy day, I spend my evenings working, or I numb my mind watching Netflix.  "I really regret that 10 minute meditation." -- said no one ever.  Seriously.  I have been feeling out of balance lately, I think it's a combination of many things, the winter blahs being one of them. I decided instead of jumping right into a work session tonight, I'd light a candle and spend 10 minutes meditating.

Thoughts moved in and out of my mind. Thoughts about my businesses, my boys, our house... then it shifted. I started to feel this nostalgic feeling, a feeling I can't really describe. I thought about how I missed self care and how having children has been the biggest lesson in selflessness and giving up control. How I SO missed acupuncture; my yoga teacher training program and going to yoga class; massages; reading books for pleasure; spending a lot of time visioning, writing goals, journaling, meditating and reflecting; floating (aka sensory deprivation tanks I used to go to); Reiki; regular exercise; QUIET; window shopping and taking long walks alone; overall deeply reflecting on life and my life purpose.

Suddenly came the tears. Sobbing. Laying on my bedroom floor, a soft Om chant playing on my meditation app, it almost felt like I called out loud, "I'm here! I'm still here!". I put my hands to the center of my chest and clearly visualized this small, dim, but flickering flame. I don't know if it was my soul speaking to itself, to me, if it was God speaking to me -- but it was powerful enough to evoke this deep feeling of sadness, hope, joy, gratitude and relief. I am still here. Being a mom has changed me in many ways. It's changed my view on the world and allowed me to release control of certain things I used to care a lot about. I'm learning to loosen my grip on control when it comes to my kids -- that's the big life lesson for someone like me (and probably for many parents). Kids will do what they do. They'll eat what they want to eat. Sleep when they feel like they need to. It will have us feeling like we're pulling out our hair when it's not going "our" way, but you realize it's not about us anymore -- and that it's ever changing. Even with a pretty tight schedule having triplets, each day is a lesson in going with the flow.

I may not get to do all of the self care I used to do. I may not get to for a while. But, taking time to listen in stillness gave me the gift of knowing I'm still in there. I love my boys -- our souls are intertwined and they are part of me, but I needed to know I wasn't totally lost at sea.

Triplet motherhood is beautiful, hard, messy, confusing, trying, but overall a miracle. It takes a village and that's OK.

One of my goals for this year was to commit to 10 minutes minimum of daily meditation. Tonight it made me feel like this isn't a luxury, it's a necessity at this point in my life. People often say, I don't like yoga or meditation because it's boring or I can't sit with my thoughts like that. My friends,  I was reminded tonight that the clearest answers come in stillness.

Namaste,